Noise Pollution
by Sass Master
Summary: Tifa's landlord has a bone to pick with her and Reno. 11th in a collection of 14


**A.N.: Mmmm… nugae.**

**OoOoOoOoO**

Sunday morning was perfect for so many reasons. Probably the best reason was that the two of them both had the day off from work and could sleep as late as they wanted.

Well, she worked at night, so technically she could sleep as late as she wanted any day of the week. But she would get up with him to make him breakfast every morning, so he couldn't exactly complain. …Though he did have a sneaking suspicion that she went back to bed and slept for hours and hours while he busted his ass at work.

Unfortunately, Sunday was easily ruined by people who failed to appreciate its perfection. Reno had a sneaking suspicion that such a person had just arrived at the apartment. After all, no one of any decent sensibilities would come around ringing doorbells at eight in the morning.

The woman beside him stirred, moaning faintly as she rolled over. She sighed in irritation at the sound. He had been lying awake for quite a while, trying to ignore the persistent and increasingly annoying ringing in the distance. Perhaps she had been trying to ignore it as well, but neither of them could last for much longer.

Tifa snuggled further under the covers. "Reno… do you think you could get that?"

He was tempted to bring up the fact that it was _her _apartment and proper etiquette would indicate that _she _should answer the door. But, as guilty as he felt admitting it, she did far more for him on a regular basis than he ever did for her. He could at _least_ do her this one favor. Besides, it would probably be faster for him to make himself decent enough to answer the door.

Although, minor issues aside, he did have another nagging concern that made him hesitate. He paused a moment, staring at the ceiling before bringing it up.

"…What if it's one of your friends?" By 'friends' he meant all those people she'd saved the world with, the people to whom he'd been a bitter enemy… the people who were still conveniently unaware that she had developed a habit of sleeping with an ex-Turk. No, she still hadn't chosen to tell them about the fact that it had become an expected and almost daily event for one of them to wake up in the other's bed.

Tifa rolled over to face him and he eyed her carefully, not quite turning his head.

"Well…" she said thoughtfully, "That would be one way for them to find out about us, wouldn't it?"

At this point he dared to look at her, pleased with the tired but mischievous smirk plastered on her face. He could only smile back at her: it was true—if one of them came to her door and found _him_ there half-asleep and half-dressed, it would send a pretty clear message. With that thought, he quickly leapt out of bed. Oh, he could only imagine the look on their faces if it _did _happen to be one of them. He grinned briefly at the idea and threw on something that would cover him enough to make it appropriate to greet guests.

He had to sigh as he ambled through the apartment. Just when he was wondering whether he'd be annoyed or relieved if the person had given up and left, the doorbell sounded again. He had been trying to quell his aggravation so he could be _mildly _congenial, but the mystery guest was making that task increasingly difficult.

He opened the door about half-way, carefully wedging himself in the door frame—oh-so-subtle body language signifying that he was not thrilled to have guests at this hour. He blinked a few times, partly to drive the sleep from his eyes, but mostly in disbelief at what he was seeing. He wouldn't have expected a tiny and very timid looking middle-aged woman to be such a giant nuisance.

He raised an eyebrow in expectance as she stared at him with awkwardness etched in every detail of her countenance. Maybe boxers and an undershirt weren't as proper for company as he'd thought? Granted, he had to wonder what business a woman her age had being embarrassed to see a man in his underwear, but now that he looked at her, he could clearly see things like 'moral' and 'uptight' and 'prude' written all over her. He had a sudden urge to ask her if she liked what she saw, just so he could see the horrified expression that was bound to result.

Maybe she'd had been startled into silence or she was regretting going there at all, but either way she hadn't opened her mouth. Reno didn't really think it was fair that she had made him drag himself out of bed and he had to be the one to open up the conversation, but despite everything he was rapidly losing his patience. "Can I help you?" The snide tone was only partially intentional. Then again, he never really was one for respecting his elders.

The woman suddenly blushed and cleared her throat, donning a stern look to mask her embarrassment. "I'm looking for a Miss Tifa Lockheart."

Reno eyed her with exasperation. "She's sleeping, what do you want with her?" Not that he was especially interested in helping her, but by now he was pretty sure that getting her to go away wouldn't be all that easy.

"Are you a mister… Reno?"

He wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to answer that. Sure, she didn't really _look_ threatening, but it was still pretty damn freaky that she knew his name. "Yeah, that's me."

"…Yes, yes, that's the name I've been hearing…" she said in half a mutter. Reno wasn't even sure he was supposed to have heard her.

He couldn't imagine who would be talking about him in the building. He didn't exactly go around making friends. "Where did you he—?"

"—I'm here to discuss a… disturbance that's been traced to this apartment."

His eyebrow immediately shot up. A disturbance? That was the first _he _had ever heard about it. And why was it _her _job to come here for discussion? "…Who are you exactly?" he asked with suspicion.

She was plainly offended by the question. "_I _am the landlord of this building, _sir_."

Reno leaned against the doorframe. "No way. I've _seen _the landlord. He's a decrepit old guy who walks up and down the street and yells at moving traffic." Then again, that could also have been the crazy homeless man who hung out on the street corner during the day. But really, those two were so similar it would be an easy mistake to make.

The woman flushed red. "That's my father you're thinking of," she said, strain in her voice. "I've taken over for him now that he's retired."

Apparently, he _was _the man who was screaming at traffic. If that was the case, Reno thought the guy should have retired a hell of a lot sooner. "Oh," he said simply. "Then I guess you _are _the landlord," he assessed, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice. She was very easy to anger, and he could only envision the results getting more and more entertaining the further he pushed her.

The woman huffed, color rising in her face. "Yes, _sir_, I am, and I'm here to discuss something very important." He was suddenly tempted to ask her if the stick up her ass was particularly painful.

"Oh yeah, something about a disturbance?" He paused for a moment and pretended to look concerned. "And I'm assuming you're the disturbed individual?" As if he really needed to ask.

"I'm afraid half the building is disturbed," she said sternly, insult going right over her head. "I've had several complaints already, and all of them have led me to believe that the trouble is coming from this apartment."

Reno was finding the whole thing hard to believe. Tifa was pretty much a nice and quiet person who minded her own business. "What kind of 'trouble' exactly?"

"Many tenants have been having an issue with the… noise level."

"Noise level? We're hardly ever here. I can pretty much tell you we're not throwing any wild parties."

"That's not what I'm talking about sir." The red flush had returned to her face.

"Well how do we cause a 'disturbance' because of the 'noise level' then?" Oh yeah, he definitely should have stayed in bed.

"_Sir_," she said very seriously. She really liked to throw that title around to show how much distaste she had for being obligated to respect him. "You _know _what I'm talking about. I know you're just trying to get me to say it and I _won't _be made a fool of."

Reno blinked. He could recall several occasions where he'd played dumb to force someone to confess out loud to something embarrassing or incriminating, but this wasn't one of them. He genuinely had no idea what she was getting at.

He shook his head. "Okay, I don't know what makes you think we're causing problems, but we're only ever here late at night and—"

And that's when it dawned on him. His smirk was a mile wide.

"Ohhhhhh…." He really drew out his moment of enlightenment, reveling in the light he'd just seen. Suddenly it all made sense—why they'd been disturbing people even though they were rarely around, why she was so embarrassed…

…Why people he'd never met apparently knew his name.

Oh, this was _too _good.

"…So you can understand why this is a serious problem."

He cleared his throat and tried to look grim. "Oh yes, yes, very serious."

"And I realize it's your business what you… _do _at night, but if you're causing other tenants to lose sleep then it's no longer a private issue."

He wasn't really listening anymore. He was just so damn impressed with himself.

"Reno?"

He turned his head and saw Tifa approach, quickly looking back at the landlady. If she had been offended by his attire, she _clearly _didn't like Tifa's. His shirt was just barely long enough to cover her, with a few too many buttons undone and a few too many implications about the two of them stitched into the fabric. "Reno, what's going on?"

"We've been making too much noise and causing a nuisance to the building," he explained, trying not to give it away too soon.

She furrowed her brows. "Too much noise?"

"That's right."

"…But how? We're hardly ever here and when we are we really only— …oh god…"

He put a comforting arm around her. "Yeeeah…"

Tifa's eyes darted between him and the woman. "…You can't be serious."

"Oh, but Tifa," he said in his best impersonation of a middle-aged woman who probably never had sex in her life, "This is a 'serious problem.'"

"How…" she ignored him, swallowing hard and trying to suppress her embarrassment. "…How many people heard, exactly?" she asked the landlady.

"At least everyone on this floor and a few apartments above and below you," she replied, looking none too thrilled about discussing the details.

Tifa remained bright red, shaking her head at a loss for words. Reno was trying not to look too smug about the whole thing.

The woman coughed awkwardly. "Well, I know this is a… sensitive issue, but just take this as a warning. If I receive further complaints after today there _will_ be serious consequences," she said, before turning and leaving.

She had probably been hoping that her threat of 'serious consequences' was just vague enough to be effective, but Reno wasn't buying it.

Tifa kept shaking her head next to him. Eventually she looked up at him, face drawn in thought. "…There's no way we've been making that much noise," she said, more to herself than to him.

He feigned a scoff. "_We_? Speak for yourself!" He felt kind of bad, but he was having way too much fun to take this seriously.

"…What?" she said, mortification rising in her voice.

"I mean come on," he said, allowing a little bit of his amusement to show, "I think we know which one of us is probably making the most noise."

"M-_me_?" Her indignity was slowly fading as she no doubt recalled all the nights they'd spent together. "Well… well, if that's true, then it's _your _fault," she assessed.

He had to grin. "Hey, I'll take the blame for that. …Enthusiastically," he said, sounding smug. "Besides, you weren't exactly complaining at the time."

She sighed in frustration and pouted slightly. "How can you joke about this? All those people heard us!"

"Yeah, I'm with the hottest woman in the building and everyone who lives here knows it. I'm not exactly ashamed of that." Nope, he was extremely pleased with himself.

"But… but…" she faltered, looking distressed. "It's so _embarrassing_…"

"Why?" he asked, placing a hand on her back and leading her back to bed, "Because a bunch of uptight prudes overheard something they only _wish _they had?"

It was obvious that he was on his way to convincing her not to sweat it, but it would take her a while before she was as casual about it as he was.

"Well…" she began as they stopped at the bed, "As _skilled _as you like to think you are," she teased, poking him in the chest, "I _still _don't think we could be waking the building. But I guess we just have to try to keep it down."

When she sat down to get into the bed, her eyes widened in shock as the mattress gave a tremendously loud squeak and the headboard banged violently against the wall. She groaned and fell back. "…Maybe I should just move already."

He crawled into bed as well. "Bout time we got our own place huh?"

"_Definitely_," she breathed, snuggling up to him contentedly.

"…But in the meantime, we can't possibly be keeping anyone up during the day, can we?"

She returned his mischievous smirk. "It wouldn't be any more of a nuisance than… say… people who come around ringing doorbells first thing in the morning."

"And I can't think of a better reason to be kicked out of an apartment, can you?"

"Nothing comes to mind. Besides," she said, leaning in for a kiss, "She's just jealous."

Reno grinned and agreed wholeheartedly, kissing her and easily unfastening the remaining buttons on her shirt.

Maybe he was lacking 'morals' or wasn't considered all that acceptable by more 'virtuous' and 'upstanding' people, but he was damn happy living his life the way he was, and no one was going to try to change that as long as he had a say in the matter.

He just hoped that old prude could hear them.

**OoOoOoOoO**

**A.N.: Yes, I'm alive—and back with a lighthearted one-shot. A 'trifle,' if you will. Hopefully I've done Catullus proud. It was a much needed return to my roots and I hope you all enjoyed it : )**

And if you did enjoy it, don't hesitate to review! I still like those a lot. 3 months away from this site doesn't change me THAT much XD


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